Size Me Up

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A coworker reminded me this week that since we’re going to Florida, we will probably want to bring bathing suits. I’ll be there for an entire month, so realistically I will want more than one bathing suit. But I only have one good bathing suit.

If you’re female, you already know where I’m going with this. Feel free to go grab a snack and come back next week. By the way, you look thin. Have you been eating enough?

Anyway.

Like most women, I hate bathing suit shopping.

thinkstockphotos-621993752This is because no one actually looks good in a bathing suit unless they get paid to do so (allowing them to pay other people to help them look good in a bathing suit.) Oh, and chubby kids. Fat babies look adorable in bathing suits.

When it comes to something as tight-fitting as swimwear, the sizes Small, Medium, and Large, simply don’t allow for the fact that HUMANS AREN’T SHAPED THE SAME. Not a one of us. For instance, I’ve got some extra junk in my trunk, but I also have the rib cage circumference of a chihuahua. And I’m supposed to choose between three sizes that were actually made for “Small model,” “Average model,” and “The rest of you.”

What in the actual heck?!?

(And don’t even get me started on dressing room lighting. I’m pretty sure it’s the mirrors that have cellulite, not us, just so you know.)

And yes, I can buy a more expensive bathing suit that allows for specific measurements. But forking over $150+ for a piece of lycra specially tailored to my bra size and the width of my belly button is just not how I want to spend my money. Why isn’t this where the whole, “There are starving children in Africa!” subject pops up? It makes so much more sense in relation to over-priced bathing suits than food that’s already been purchased and served to an American. I’ve been cleaning my plate for almost 20 years now, and those children are still starving. It’s not working, people.

I know I had a point to all this. Something about the unfairness of our material world and how they work us over for extra money and we try to make ourselves feel better while we eat our feelings of inadequacy because we don’t look like models.

But honestly, that just feels exhausting. Forget it.

I’m going to Walmart to get a bathing suit and some ice cream. Need anything?

More of the Good Stuff

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Do nothing this summer. As much as possible.

Last week’s post was pretty intense. Like the circus. Or camping. Get it? Intense. In tense. In tents…Hmm. That joke doesn’t really work so well in writing, does it?

How about this one?

An atheist, a Crossfitter, and a vegetarian walk into a bar. The only reason we know is because they told everyone within the first two minutes.

Okay, moving on.

Summer is here, and we are heading into the hottest days of the year. Which means we all need more light, fun, entertaining, and, if applicable, cold things in our lives.

So here are some more of the good things in my life, the summer edition.

Music:

The Hunter Smith Band (featuring my boss on electric guitar) had a song from their new album chosen as the official song of the Indiana Bicentennial. Nobody really knows what that means, except that Indiana Moon is a great song. So check it out.

Books:

A classic, but I had forgotten about it, so I’m reminding you. Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes, starting with A Study in Scarlet. Great stuff, and it only takes three pages to adjust to the 1800’s verbiage.

And for the random pick of the day, read Why Sh*t Happens: The Science of a Really Bad Day. In nice, short chapters and humorous explanations, the author details exactly why and how things like shaving cuts, burnt toast, and oversleeping happen. Sometimes knowing why makes it better, right? Plus, it’s just interesting if you (like me) like learning but hated science class.

Web stuff: 

The Skimm is a news and culture service that shows up in your email every morning. Specifically geared toward youngish women, it’s a great way to stay up-to-date on world news and interesting happenings, with only a 5 minute commitment. Helpful for those of us who want to know when Zika hits the US, but don’t want to watch three hours of news every night.

In case you missed it when it was first popular, like I did, the Lizzie Bennett Diaries are still available on YouTube. A remake of Pride and Prejudice done in 2-8 minute video blog entries, this definitely fits the qualifications of light, entertaining, and fun.

Food: 

I’m not going to give you an actual recipe, I’m just going to say this: go to the grocery store and get milk, ice cream, and Hershey’s syrup, and blend yourself a homemade milkshake. You’re welcome. (This, of course, is if you can’t drop everything and drive to Wisconsin to have a friend make you a fresh peach milkshake. If you can, do that NOW.)
Happy summer, my friends. And remember, as Shaneequa tells me regularly, “Solar safety first!”

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